


The Reunion

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [7]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Abusive Parents, Comedy, Drama, Family Reunions, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, kickball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 11:32:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17202686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: It’s time for the Doofenshmirtz Family Reunion, and Heinz is a little wary about having Perry and the kids along.Prequel-fic





	The Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place the summer before the summer where Peter and Mystery become nemeses, with Sergei as the sort-of Nemesis for the pair.

 “Grandpa posted more gnome pics on FaceSpace,” Vanessa said, grinning at the computer. Everyone was staying in for the evening, with Heinz and Vanessa over at the house.

 “ _Gott_ ,” Heinz muttered. “I’m almost sorry I found that thing for him. It’s wonderful our ancestral garden is guarded from witches spells and wood trolls once more but _yeesh!_ ”

 “Aw, but look how happy he is!” Candace teased, pointing to a picture of Rudolph Doofenshmirtz trying to take a selfie with the gnome, wearing a copy of the gnome’s hat and flashing an awkward peace sign. “Reminds me of when Grandpa Fletcher got his new kilt. We got, like, fifty selfies of that thing.”

 “Yeah, well, grandpa’s been posting these for months,” Vanessa said.

 “Months?” Phineas asked, looking up.

 “I think he thinks FaceSpace is for gnome and dog show pics,” Vanessa said. “Oh, hey. Something from grandma.”

 “Oh, what does Mother have to say? She never remembers my email or social media accounts,” Heinz said.

 Vanessa and Candace shared looks before Vanessa opened the email. “Oh. Just a reminder about the family reunion next week. We already knew that.”

 “Do you want us to come, Dr. D?” Phineas asked. Ferb produced a Drusselstinian flag and waved it hopefully.

 “Well sure, you’re family! I mean, they still let Charlene come, and sure she kept the name but we’ve been divorced for like a decade…” Heinz said. “Yeah, of course you can come!”

 “Oh my gosh. I just realized,” Vanessa said. “You’re dating Perry now.”

 “…You just noticed that, honey?” Heinz asked.

 “No, but people are going to stop trying to get you and mom back together! This is great!” Vanessa said, throwing her arms in the air before hugging Candace out of sheer glee.

 “People were trying to get them back together?” Candace asked, awkwardly patting Vanessa on the back.

 “Eh, mom’s popular with some of them,” Vanessa said, shrugging as she let go. “The fact that they didn’t see her and dad bringing dates meant they saw it as fair game.”

  “A lot of them ‘don’t believe’ in divorce, too,” Heinz said. “Like, they can ‘not believe’ in it all they want, she and I still _did_ it! We were terrible for each other!”

 “Mm-hm,” Vanessa agreed.

 Perry walked in, asking who was terrible for who.

 “Mom and Dad for each other,” Vanessa said.

 Perry nodded in understanding and asked why that had come up.

 “My family reunion is coming up and Charlene goes and people try to figure out how American divorce works,” Heinz summed up. “Also, the kids want to come.”

 Perry said that sounded fun.

.o.o.o.

 The day of the reunion, Heinz was…regretting life choices.

 Namely, the choice to bring along Perry and Perry’s kids. What had he been _thinking_?

 “So, Vanessa said there’s kickball, so I’m just going to wear my tracksuit instead of my skirt, ot just makes more sense,” Candace said. “…Dr. D? You okay?”

 “Huh, oh, yeah, skirts are bad for kickball,” Heinz agreed quickly. “Good choice.”

 “Thanks,” Candace said. “So, are we going to go?”

 “I think we kind of need your brothers for that,” Vanessa said.

 Candace ran to the stairs, “Phineas, Ferb! Come on already!”

 “We’re almost ready!” Phineas called.

 “You’d better not bring anything weird!” Candace demanded, storming up the stairs.

 “No, the reunions are boring! Bring weird!” Vanessa argued, racing after her.

 “Just get in the car! Please!” Heinz called, hoping to stop a teenage-girl-fight. “Yeesh. I’m sure the boys aren’t bringing anything too—what?”

 Perry asked him what was wrong.

 “What, what makes you think something’s wrong?” Heinz asked.  

 Perry gave him a look. Arms folded and everything.

“What makes you think I’m nervous? I’m not nervous!” Heinz said.

 Perry raised an eyebrow.

 “Okay, okay, not in front of the kids!” Heinz said, dragging Perry into the kitchen.

 Perry gestured for him to explain.  

 “I…don’t know, I just got a little nervous is all,” Heinz admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, you know, I just don’t want to mess this up.”

 Perry asked how Heinz thought he was going to mess things up at the reunion.

 “Well, I mean, you’ve heard the backstories.”

 Perry nodded.

“So, you know…stuff just tends to happen.”

 Perry very tactfully did not point out that it was less “stuff tends to happen” so much as “some of Heinz’s family members could be assholes.” They were Heinz’s family and he loved them. Somehow. Except maybe Roger.

 Instead, he asked if Heinz was worried the boys would think less of him.

 “Okay, yeah, _maybe_. I mean, they think I’m kind of cool. No one thinks that. You’re my boyfriend and you don’t think that.”

 Perry had to admit that was true. He thought Heinz was brilliant, driven, a great dad, sweet, and lots of other things…but cool had never really been on the docket. Interesting, certainly. Cool…eh.

  Perry signed that was all right, he loved Heinz anyway, smirking when that got him a deep blush.

 “Oh _no_! You’re not _flirting_ your way out of this annoyingly awkward conversation, Mr. Perrin Fletcher!” Heinz muttered even as he went bright red.

 Perry reminded Heinz that Phineas and Ferb loved him too.

 “Okay, okay, yeah. And I guess you have to give up being cool to the kids _sometime_. I mean, look at you, and _somehow_ Candace doesn’t think you’re cool!”

 Perry pointed out that not being cool to a teenage girl was different than wanting two young inventors to keep looking up to you, but he still appreciated the compliment.

 “Okay, yeah, I guess they’d still kind of look up to the inventing thing. Nobody else in my family really invents unless you get into the distant ancestors,” Heinz said. “Yeah, okay. And I mean, they’ve met Roger and just seemed to think he was nice, like, nothing too weird or anything…”

 In Perry’s opinion, the boys probably ranked Roger as being into boring adult stuff they didn’t care about, while Heinz’s inventions would easily hold their attention any day of the week. So yeah, of course they thought Heinz was cooler than Roger. Heinz didn’t seem to fully process that, though if he did his ego might get a little annoying about it.

 “So, um, yeah. We should…uh, probably go get in the car. And drag whichever one of the girls tries to sneak into the driver’s seat out.”

.o.o.o.

 “Sweet, this is a great day for a reunion!” Phineas gushed as they headed into the park. “Are you sure the party doesn’t need any theme park rides? We can be so on that!”

 “We’re good, kids,” Heinz said.

 “Well, at least there’s a sign,” Candace said, finding an arrow with text in English and German.

  “The Doofenshmirtz Family believes signs are a very important part of life,” Heinz said. “Hence the one on my building! Oh, there’s my mother! Mother! Hi! It’s me!”

 “Heinz, my little _habengoosher_. You came,” Mother Doofenshmirtz said flatly.

 “…What does _habengoosher_ mean?” Phineas asked Vanessa quietly.

 “Don’t know, Dad won’t tell me. But I’m not allowed to say it, and you can’t google it without exact spelling apparently,” Vanessa said. “Mom looked it up once. She, uh, wasn’t happy Grandma says it around me.”

 Phineas, Ferb, and Candace shared stunned looks.

 Roger was warmer, welcoming his brother with a loud, “Heinz! And I see you brought you dear boyfriend!”

 “Roger,” Heinz said, bristling. Perry waved hi, still looking at Heinz’s mother in confusion over what she’d called Heinz. “Yeah, Perry and the kids wanted to come. So they came.”

 “The more the merrier!” Roger said brightly. “Ready for the kickball game?”

 Heinz smirked, “Very ready.”

 “Great!” Roger clapped Heinz on the back. It would have knocked Heinz over if Perry hadn’t quickly grabbed him. Roger didn’t notice, already walking away.

 Perry asked Heinz what Heinz’s mother had called him. Heinz ignored him by pretending he hadn’t seen the question, turning to Vanessa to ask, “Sweetie, do you see where they set up the food? I’m hungry.”

 “We ate before we left,” Candace said.

 Perry tapped Heinz on the shoulder and firmly repeated the question.

 “It’s, erm…well…not something to say out loud in front of children?” Heinz managed.

 Perry scowled and turned to where Mother Doofenshmirtz had gone. Heinz immediately turned him back around.

 “No messing with my mother,” Heinz said.

 Perry made emphatic gestures that he just wanted to _talk_ to her.

 “Well I don’t, err, think she speaks your language, so to speak,” Heinz said.

 Perry pulled out his notepad and pencil, still irked.

 “Can you not get in a fight with my mother? Please?” Heinz pleaded. He gave Perry the puppy eyes.

 Perry sighed. He always fell for the puppy eyes. He agreed to let it go.

 “Well, I guess the next person we have to find is Charlene, she’s usually around here somewhere,” Heinz said. “Her or Narthelliot, really—oof!”

“Heinz! Perry!” Charlene said, hugging them both from behind. “Heinz, _finally_ you bring a date!”

 “ _You_ could have brought one. You’ve been dating again longer than me,” Heinz pointed out.

 “Just because I get past the first date doesn’t mean I’ve made it to steady that many times,” Charlene said, folding her arms with a scoff.

 “So it’s _my_ job to bring a date so _you_ don’t get hassled at the reunions for _my_ family, whose name _you_ kept,” Heinz pointed out.

 “Got to admit, Mom, Dad has a point,” Vanessa said.

 “You will never get me to go back to my maiden name,” Charlene said flatly.

 “Oh, no. I’m evil, but not cruel,” Heinz said.

 Perry looked between them.

 “No. I won’t tell you. But yeah, it was bad,” Heinz said. “Like, _seriously_. It’s in the alimony agreement. No telling anyone her maiden name, ever.”

 “I don’t know it, either,” Vanessa said.

 “And you never will!” Charlene said, before quickly changing the subject. “Perry, where are your kids? Vanessa’s told me so much about the boys, and of course I remember Candace.”

 Perry gestured to where Phineas and Ferb were taking data in on the kickballers and Candace was suspiciously watching her brothers.

 “Ah, there they are!” Charlene said. “Vanessa, sweetie, introduce me to your friends!”

 “Um, Phineas, Ferb, this is my mom. I think you’ve seen her when she’s picked me or Candace up for something,” Vanessa said.

 “Nice to meet you,” Phineas said, Ferb waving.

 “So, what are you doing?” Charlene asked.

 “Well, Dr. D said the kickball game is a big deal, so we’re taking down everyone’s statistics as best we can manage from their warm-ups and showing off,” Phineas said. “We’re going to see if maybe people want to make bets later.”

 “Didn’t you already help the Fireside Girls get their bookie badges this summer?” Candace asked.

 “No, no, those were the card-counting badges. It was for math,” Phineas said. “Ferb just played bookie for fun.”

 “Tell that to Gretchen. She fleeced me out of fifteen bucks,” Vanessa sulked.

 “I mean, Gretchen can get competitive when the mood strikes…or there’s math involved,” Candace said. Her eyes widned as she looked over to Heinz and Perry. “What. Is. That.”

 Perry shrugged as Heinz continued trying to put on what looked like a giant metal boot.

 “It’s my kickball-inator!” Heinz said.

 “Cool,” Phineas said before he and Ferb went back to their numbers.

 “Not cool! So not cool!” Vanessa said. “ _Dad_ , you can’t use an _inator_!”

 “…Why not?” Heinz asked.

 Vanessa buried her face in her hands. “Mom!”

 Charlene came back over from talking with some other family members, “I’m sorry, sweetie, what?”

 “Dad’s made an inator! One of his—gah!” Vanessa said.

 Charlene looked over at Heinz, then back at Vanessa. “It’s just a weird metal boot, sweetie. Most people will think he broke his toe.”

 Heinz went to try the inator out and kicked himself in the chest, falling on his behind.

 Charlene sighed, “And maybe his ribs.”

 “What were you over there talking about?” Candace asked as Ferb passed Vanessa a pillow to scream into. This seemed to help Vanessa calm down immensely.

 “Oh, just what teams people are going to be on for the kickball game, people can pick which one they want this year,” Charlene said. “Apparently the lot drawing pig got sick on the flight over.”

 “Pick our own teams, huh?” Vanessa mused. “Perry, Ferb, your weird Brit love of soccer wouldn’t translate to kickball, would it?”

 Perry smirked as Ferb mimed an overhead flip-kick.

 “Oh yeah. We got this. Dad! Dad! Listen!” Vanessa called. “Look, we won’t need the inator! We can make one heck of a team and win that way!”

 “But I still need to be good, sweetie. Trust me, I can crash and burn this whole thing if you let me,” Heinz said. “No leg coordination. Seriously, ask your mother or Perry how often I trip while dancing.”

 “It’s a lot,” Charlene agreed, wincing.

 Perry snapped his fingers before signing that there was still a way for Heinz to be coordinated in kickball.

 “Yeah, my inator,” Heinz said.

 “No, by being the pitcher, of course!” Phineas said. “Duh! I can’t believe we forgot kickball has a pitcher!”

 “The kicking does usually overshadow it,” Ferb noted.

 “…I _want_ to use my inator, though,” Heinz said.

 “And when we’re on _defense_ , you can pitch,” Vanessa tried to explain.

 “That doesn’t help us score though,” Heinz said.

 “But it stops _other_ people from scoring!” Candace pointed out. “I barely even like sports and I know that! That’s important too!”

 Heinz folded his arms, “Fine but I’m still using the inator.”

 “You literally just kicked yourself with it,” Charlene said. “I want you to remember that when I say ‘I told you so’ later.”

 “You’re not going to get to because it’s going to work,” Heinz said.

 Perry asked that he please not tempt fate before the game. _Please_.

 “All right, gang. I’m the coach-” Charlene started, only for Vanessa and Heinz to panic.

 “No, no, not again!” Vanessa said.

 “I’m pretty sure I get preferential custody if you pull that again!” Heinz added.

 “What?” Candace asked.

 “Mom coached my peewee softball team. She gets…intense,” Vanessa said, staring off into space.

 “She made a six-year-old cry,” Heinz said.

 “That girl was not six, Heinz,” Charlene said.

 “She was still a first-grader!” Heinz said. “No coaching from you!”

 Perry gave Charlene a stunned look. She huffed defensively. “I plead the fifth.”

 Perry asked that everyone please, please not fly off the handle. Today was supposed to be fun.

 “Hello gentlemen!”

 “Sergei the Snail? What are you doing here? We’re not doing evil, just beating _Roger_ at kickball,” Heinz said.

 Sergei shrugged, coming over and setting aside his walking stick. “Inator-alert. You know how it is.”

 “Well the inator’s just a kickball-inator to help me play kickball,” Heinz said. “That’s not evil.”

 Perry noted that maybe it was cheating, which was evil.

 “It’s for a good reason!” Heinz said. “Look, Sergei. This is the family reunion, and my mother’s love has…always been inexplicably linked to kickball…”

  _One musical number later_ :

 “Okay, I’m in!” Sergei said brightly.

 Perry told Heinz that he shouldn’t have been surprised that Heinz has a whole musical number about the kickball thing, though the Love Handel stylings had been nice.

 “Eh, they were my favorite band,” Heinz said. “…Wait. What do _you_ mean you’re in?”

 Sergei grinned, “Sounds like fun! Vanessa said there were teams, right? I’ll back you up!”

 “How do you know what Vanessa said?” Heinz asked.

 “Spy,” Sergei pointed out.

 “…Do you even know how to play kickball?” Heinz asked.

 “What kind of _putz_ do you take me for? You kick the ball,” Sergei said.

 “Okay, yeah, should have seen that coming…all right, maybe it’ll help fill out the outfield. Seriously, almost everyone else is playing on Roger’s team. Or Narthelliot, but he has a crippling fear of spheres heading towards him so I don’t know why he joined our team,” Heinz mused.

 “It’s true!” Narthelliot yelled from up a tree.

 “I promise we’re not going to throw them at you, now get down!” Charlene yelled.

 “Ah, family,” Heinz sighed.

.o.o.o.

 Teams were arranged, and the game proceeded unusually normally for a day involving Phineas, Ferb, and Heinz. Perry blamed the boys being distracted by taking bets and Heinz being too surprised at how well he pitched to use the kickball-inator too forcefully.

 At least, he assumed that was it. It also could have been Heinz not being up to kick much so far.

 Okay, probably that.

 “My turn, my turn!” Heinz said eagerly, racing up to the plate.

 “…What are the odds?” Vanessa asked Phineas warily.

 “Hmm…looking at all previous attempts with the kickball-inator and Dr. D’s usually footwork abilities…ooh,” Phineas said as Ferb cringed. “Not good.”

 “You can do it, Dad!” Vanessa yelled anyway.

 “You can’t be worse than me! I ran away screaming!” Narthelliot added from the tree he’d climbed when Aunt Inga had pitched him the ball twenty minutes ago.

 Aunt Inga pitched. Heinz kicked the ball, and it connected! And rebounded off a tree right into Roger’s hand.

 Heinz’s jaw dropped.

 “…Huh. We didn’t even run odds for that,” Phineas mused.

 Heinz walked back to their bench, dejected. Perry wrapped an arm around him.

 “Well. That didn’t work,” Heinz sighed.

 “If it is any consolation, I doubt Mayor Roger could have built a kick-enchanting prosthetic in one night,” Sergei said. “Even if it was not perfect.”

 “Yeah, but, like, that’s stuff _you_ guys care about,” Heinz said. “I was kind of trying to impress my mother, here.”

 “…Well, you’re the only one who’s given her a grandchild? Can you work with that?” Sergei tried.

 Perry signed that he didn’t think Sergei was helping. Sergei shrugged apologetically.

 “All right, no more Mr. Nice Guys,” Charlene said before turning to Ferb. “You’re next kiddo. Flatten them. Make them cry!”

 “ _Mom_!” Vanessa groaned in embarrassment. “Urgh, just like my softball team…”

 Ferb looked confused.

 Perry signed for him to kick it out of the park.

 Ferb gave a thumbs up and stepped up to the plate.

 “Seriously, Charlene. Never coach again,” Heinz told her as Aunt Inga rolled the ball at Ferb and Ferb sent it flying over the tree line. “Stick to lawyering, you’re so much better at it.”

 Ferb casually jogged around the bases while the other team was off looking for the ball, sitting down next to his brother and sister when he was done.

 “Nice job,” Phineas said, offering him a fist bump. Ferb grinned and returned the favor.

 “Well, he tied it up all right,” Heinz said. “But we’ve still got only one out left.”

 “And Uncle Perry likes soccer almost as much as Ferb!” Candace said, grinning.

 Perry frowned and signed that it was called _football_.

 “You’ll have to admit you’re in America sometime, Perry,” Heinz said.

 “Eh. You’d be surprised how long my parents kept up the denial,” Sergei said. “…Since you’re out, can I break your inator now?”

 “Go for it, man,” Heinz said as Perry stepped up to the plate.

 Sergei got to work quickly, only for the inator to suddenly emit a loud bang, startling Perry as he went to kick. Perry’s foot clipped the ball slightly wrong and it flew hard and low…right into Mother Doofenshmirtz’s face.

 It took all of Perry’s self-control not to burst out laughing as she was knocked on her behind. He covered his mouth in faux-horror to hide that he was smiling.

 How’d the old harpy like kickball now?

 “Perry!” Heinz said, running up to him. “That better have been an accident!”

 Perry nodded. He’d been aiming to go over the trees like Ferb had.

 “My bad!” Sergei called, quickly picking up a lawn chair and bashing the inator to bits with it.

 “My lawn chair!” Roger yelled.

 “…Oops,” Sergei said, dropping the lawn chair like it was on fire.

 “I can’t take you two anywhere,” Heinz groaned.

 “Um…is that an out? Grandma did kind catch it…with her nose…” Vanessa mused.

 Another family member threw Roger the ball and he tagged Perry out while Perry was busy insisting to Heinz that of _course_ he hadn’t done it on purpose—mainly because if it had been on purpose there probably would have been nasal fractures, oh come on, Heinz knew he was kidding!

 “Well, now he’s out,” Phineas said.

 “Darn it,” Candace said.

 Perry shrugged and walked off the field as Roger was celebrated as the victor of the day.

 “…You know, seeing you and Ferb out-kick him made me realize something,” Heinz mused. “It’s definitely not just the kickball going for Roger.”

 Perry rolled his eyes, signing that he was glad to be of service.  

 “Well, outside of Perry _accidentally_ bruising my mother’s nose, we’re good,” Heinz said. “This has been the best family reunion ever!”

 “Too bad we couldn’t win at kickball. I really thought we had our aces in the hole,” Candace said, patting Ferb and Perry on the shoulders.

 “Eh, it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how much fun you had!” Heinz said.

 Perry nodded, signing that Heinz was right.

 “Oh, good. I was starting to get worried we were creating a whole new backstory…” Sergei said, picking up his walking stick and tipping his fedora. “Well. Consider your inator thwarted, gentlemen. Going to see if I can get a hike in before my nemesis, I don’t know, tries to poison the water supply or something.”

 “Yeah, Sir Sivanna is pretty old school,” Heinz agreed. “I should probably talk to him about the internal mechanics of water towers, he’s clearly too used to reservoirs-” he flinched as Sergei pointed the end of the walking stick at him with a scowl, “-or, you know, let him figure it out himself, that’s always a thing…”

 “Thank you,” Sergei said, setting off. 

 Vanessa’s phone buzzed.

 “Huh, oh, it’s from Grandpa. It’s why he missed the Reunion,” Vanessa said, showing her dad the phone.

 “ _Why_ is he taking the gnome with him for his driver’s test?” Heinz asked, peering at the first picture. “And is that his new show dog in the backseat?”

 “Looks like Only Son V to me too, but, hey, there’s a video attached!” Vanessa said.

 “- _if you fail you’ll know who’s, at, fault! In a ve-hi-cu-lar, a-sault! When you’re doing the Drusselstien Driving Test Waltz!”_

 “Driving tests in Drusselstien come with music?” Phineas asked.

 “Eh. Tradition,” Heinz said. “They also come with rocketing down a mountainside.”

 “I am so happy to be taking my driver’s test in Danville,” Vanessa said.

 “Trust me, you have _no_ idea,” Heinz said as they got back in the car.

 Perry asked if Heinz was going to flashback while driving.

 “Yeah, yeah probably. You take the wheel.”

**Author's Note:**

> Things turned out well! Well, as well as they can go with Heinz's family involved. 
> 
> Sometimes when Charlene has a girls' day out with Vanessa, Vanessa brings Candace. So that's how she knows Candace. 
> 
> Heinz's relationship with his father is slightly better in this universe due to getting the gnome back sooner, but that slightly better relationship has led to him realize his dad is a weirdo who really only cares about gnomes and dogs and Heinz should probably stop looking for much fatherly affection there. On the other hand, Heinz's relationship with his mother is the same as canon where Roger is the obvious, OBVIOUS fav and Mother clearly detests Heinz.


End file.
